The Bread-winner

When my husband and I have conversations about money or things we want to do, I always chime in with, "I'm sorry." He continually reminds me that we made this decision together. But I feel a sense of responsibility for the situation we are in. After all, when we met we both felt very differently about working women.

He wanted a strong, independent woman. I was a strong, independent woman. I was going to stay that way. End of conversation.

Then we got married and were pregnant with my wild thing. As it got closer to his "birth" day, I got more trepidatious about returning to work and he grew more interested in being able to provide for his family. When I took another job with the school district, he was actually disappointed that I would be working. I was frustrated. Wasn't I needed? Why shouldn't I provide for my family?

After all of these years you would think that the man's desire to provide for his family, be the bread-winner, and have the wife home caring for the children would be in the past. This is, after all, the twenty-first century and we no longer hit women on the head and drag them back to the cave. We don't even have shows like "Leave it to Beaver" on the air. The shows on television are more about dysfunctional families than anything else.

You would think that things would have changed. I'm no feminist, but I feel like I should be expected to hold my own in the world. So, why is that not how it works? I don't know how to function being the needy one in the relationship. I need him to provide for us: food, shelter, clothes...you name it.

Right now, I guess, I'm needed in another way. My wild thing needs me to be the best parent I can be. My husband needs me to be the best wife I can be. I thought that part of that was money, but right now it's not. I don't understand it. I'm slightly uncomfortable with it. In the future, things will change. What role I play in my little family will change. We will see what the future holds for us all.