When Did it Become Not Enough?

I want to be someone and accomplish things. I have goals for my life. I allow myself to get all wrapped up in being something. It takes a bad day or emotional week to stop and think about what I'm actually doing. It's these times that I wonder why it isn't enough to be my wild thing's mom. Raising him to be a happy, healthy, well-and-truly-loved child is a significant undertaking. So, why is that not enough? Why do I need to be more than that?

This week has been rough. Work, school, and my wild thing. Work and school have not been going as smoothly as I hoped. At times, I feel like crying because they are taking me away from what I really want to be doing. (I want to be taking care of my wild thing.) I'm even working from home and everyone tells me that it's the perfect job for a mommy. I'm doubting people's assertions about this job. I am technically here with my wild thing, but I'm often not engaged with him. It hurts me to have to keep saying, "Give mommy a few more minutes," as he cries in his bouncy seat. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying it's traumatic for both of us most of the time. There are moments when I want to throw in the towel.

I think back on the few weeks that I was officially unemployed. I felt like a big loser. Now that I have a job, every day is about what they want from me. Each day more is expected of me, with the impending doom of going full-time in a few months. What happened to my easy part-time job? I tell myself that I need something to motivate me and keep me going. A job has been able to do that for me in the past. It gives me a purpose of sorts, even on the days I don't like it. Now that I'm working and going to school, I realize that the thing that does, and should, keep me going is my wild thing.

Society and family (and the bills in the mailbox) don't make it easy or acceptable to be "just" a mommy. People always want to know what else you do, as if parenting isn't enough.

I could quit school and just be my wild thing's mommy, but I do want more for my life. Being in school allows me to plan that big coming into being event for several years in the future (when my wild thing is older). I "someday" want to be someone who changes the world. That day doesn't need to be today.

The part of the world that needs my influence today is a lot smaller and simpler. He's sleeping next to me snoring softly. When did it become not enough just to be his mommy?