Missing One

I LOVE my wild thing. I enjoy my time with him and am blessed to have him in my life. Recently, I have been struggling with the separation between him and my cowboy. For years all I have had is my cowboy. He was with me until he was four-years-old and has been gone for almost 7 years now.

The last week or two, when thinking of my wild thing, I call him the wrong name. I know parents do that all the time and it’s no big deal. I do it with my students in class. We all laugh at my lapse in memory, since I obviously know their names. I obviously know my wild thing's name, as well. Not having my cowboy here with us makes it seem different...less funny and more heart-wrenching. It feels so wrong…like blaspheme! They are not the same little boy. My wild thing will never replace my cowboy. I can’t help, though, thinking, “My cowboy needs to eat.” Or, “My cowboy rolled over today.” I remember my cowboy being with me like it was yesterday. As far as I was concerned, he was the only one for me.

After losing my cowboy, I couldn't imagine having another child in my life who would hold such a significant place in my heart. Needless to say, pregnancy was very hard for me emotionally. As part of our birth preparation, I was asked to envision my perfect birth. It was heartbreaking for me because my perfect birth involved my cowboy. In a perfect world he would be there with us to welcome this new little one into our family.

Now that I my wild thing is here it is bittersweet. It’s something I need to work through because things will not change. The phrase, “This too shall pass” doesn’t apply. My cowboy is gone. My wild thing is here today. My love for them both is immeasurable. While I'm not much of a singer, my wild thing likes when I sing to him. Specifically, there is a song by J. J. Heller called "I Get to Be the One ." I frequently cry as I sing, look at my wild thing, and carry him through the house. Despite what I've lost I do get to be mommy to my wild thing. Every moment I get to be mommy is precious.