Missing One

I LOVE my wild thing. I enjoy my time with him and am blessed to have him in my life. Recently, I have been struggling with the separation between him and my cowboy. For years all I have had is my cowboy. He was with me until he was four-years-old and has been gone for almost 7 years now.

The last week or two, when thinking of my wild thing, I call him the wrong name. I know parents do that all the time and it’s no big deal. I do it with my students in class. We all laugh at my lapse in memory, since I obviously know their names. I obviously know my wild thing's name, as well. Not having my cowboy here with us makes it seem different...less funny and more heart-wrenching. It feels so wrong…like blaspheme! They are not the same little boy. My wild thing will never replace my cowboy. I can’t help, though, thinking, “My cowboy needs to eat.” Or, “My cowboy rolled over today.” I remember my cowboy being with me like it was yesterday. As far as I was concerned, he was the only one for me.

After losing my cowboy, I couldn't imagine having another child in my life who would hold such a significant place in my heart. Needless to say, pregnancy was very hard for me emotionally. As part of our birth preparation, I was asked to envision my perfect birth. It was heartbreaking for me because my perfect birth involved my cowboy. In a perfect world he would be there with us to welcome this new little one into our family.

Now that I my wild thing is here it is bittersweet. It’s something I need to work through because things will not change. The phrase, “This too shall pass” doesn’t apply. My cowboy is gone. My wild thing is here today. My love for them both is immeasurable. While I'm not much of a singer, my wild thing likes when I sing to him. Specifically, there is a song by J. J. Heller called "I Get to Be the One ." I frequently cry as I sing, look at my wild thing, and carry him through the house. Despite what I've lost I do get to be mommy to my wild thing. Every moment I get to be mommy is precious.

Unexpected

Have you ever done something expecting a certain outcome, only to have it completely change who you are? Mommyhood is that way for me. Before having my wild thing I expected, whole-heartedly, that I would return to work. The longer I'm home with him, the less I want to return to work. For those of you thinking, "Yeah, right. She was kidding herself." I actually did plan to return to my teaching job. And I'm all about plans. They're how I function on a daily basis.

The first thing that made me think I could go straight back to work is that I returned to work at 6 weeks with my cowboy. I left him with family and friends to go to the gym and for evenings out. It was no big deal! I was 21 and rockin' life as a "single" mommy. As I recall, I left my little cowboy with an aunt at two weeks old to go out drinking.

What!?! Looking back now, I feel like I was a crazy person and feel a not insignificant amount of mommy guilt. Several things have changed since then. First, and foremost, me. Life has changed me. Loss has changed me. My cowboy meant the world to me. We were BFFs and, if you ask him, were getting married someday. Since losing my cowboy I have thought about every moment that I wasn't super mom and regret that I wasn't better.

The second thing that made me think I would return to work is that I am a driven woman. I'm not your typical stay at home mommy type. I don't like to cook, clean, and craft 24/7. (Not that I think all SAHMs are like that. Nor do I judge those that are. Lol.) And on top of being driven, I keep a tight rein on my emotions. I expected to love my wild thing, but from a safe distance. Even though I don't even really know what that means. Throughout my pregnancy I kept an emotional distance and was worried I wouldn't be able to love him.


Nothing could have prepared me for the truth. Hours after my wild thing's birth I felt a love for him that was so strong. It hurt me physically. I sat, stared at him, and cried. I never believed, after loving my cowboy so much and losing him, that I had it in me to love bigger. I was wrong! Let me repeat...wrong. My former un-emotional self has been missing since then.

But back to the point...
I sit and stare at my teaching contract with that large-ish number while holding my wild thing. I'm torn apart inside. Leave him everyday for 8 hours? It seems like mission impossible, not to mention every fiber of my being tells me not to do it. Finding acceptable childcare is a struggle, which we have not conquered. I haven't left him at all and have pretty significant anxiety about doing so at this point. (Yes, I realize it's a little extreme.) Dealing with losing my cowboy has left me struggling to mother my wild thing without becoming a total crazy mama.

My question is...what the heck am I supposed to do? What is the right thing for me? My wild thing? My family? My heart pulls one way and my practical side pulls the other. Decisions need to be made. Fingers crossed.