Trip Comes to an End

As our trip has continued, the service has gotten better but the accommodations have gotten worse. Tonight there is a funny smell, holes in the wall, and shoe scuff marks all over the walls. We now reside in this fantastic room for the night.

But what has really happened is that my wild thing is growing up before my eyes. He's growling, grabbing things with intention, beginning to play, and has tasted his first foods. Sigh! With the food thing, we planned on waiting until 6 months. Yesterday we were given a sourdough bread turtle for him. He had to try it. He sucked on a leg like crazy and yelled when we took it away. I know their digestive system is not really ready for foods yet so we just let him lick.

Today he tried 3 more flavors: red pepper, cucumber, and tomato. They are all healthy and different flavors. He loved the tomato. My cowboy loved tomato too. He would eat them like apples. It's amazing to see my wild thing grow and change and see how much he will be my cowboy. There are fun times to come.

Not a Spontaneous Bone in My Body

And this trip is proof why I should stay that way. We're currently on night three of an impromptu road trip. Yesterday my husband lost his ATM card. Last night our reservation was lost...as in non-existent...after we drove three hours to get there. Earlier today the hotel called about said nonexistent reservation and wants another card number so they can charge us. I explained the situation nicely and they call back still confused. Tonight we get to the hotel and they can see our reservation but have no room for us. WTH people!?!?! Now I'm ready to grab the guy by the tie and pull him over the counter if he doesn't find a room for my family.

I think planning, for me, is about protecting my family. My hubs, step-daughter, and my wild thing need watching out for and it's my job to do it. I go into mama bear mode when people screw with my plans for my family. (Sometimes my hubs gets in the way of his own protection.)  I did everything I could to protect my cowboy and it wasn't enough. That's probably why planning is so important to me now.

On a side note, we've had some fun on vacation. My step-daughter keeps reminding me to play the glad game. Love it!

I'm Big on Composure

Last night, my wild thing was fussy. He wouldn't soothe or go to sleep. I knew he was tired, but he wouldn't relax and kept spitting out his paci. He started screaming and I felt myself getting more tense. My husband came up and sweetly offered to take the wild thing and walk with him awhile. You would think I said, "Yes, please and thank you." That's what any normal person would do.

Not me! I have to prove it to myself and hubs and my wild thing that I can handle it...not just that I can handle it, but that I can overcome my own frustration and be calm. I have to do this so well that my wild thing also calms and sleeps. Because babies, like bees, can smell fear. Haha! (I don't know if that's really true about bees...but definitely about babies.)

My own personal zen is forced...it's a learned behavior. What does it get me (besides a sleeping baby), you ask. Well, composure. I remember a time when my cowboy was sick. I'd gotten bad news and was outside the hospital talking to some girlfriends. There was this woman crying hysterically. I don't blame her...we all hurt and cry. At the time, all I could think was, "Your grief is interfering with my composure." My friends laughed when I said this.

The thing is, it's stuck with me. Composure is a huge thing for me. It's part of how I define myself. What I'm thinking now is, "What the heck is wrong with me?" ;)

How Much Should I Share?

I think honesty is important. Honesty about the reality of life is often difficult. In my experiences, I know that honesty about childhood cancer and death can make life awkward and lonely. People don't want to think about the possibility that <b>their</b> child could get sick…that <b>their</b> child could be gone. And I don't blame them. I don't want to be the person it happens to either.

I am trying to be honest about the illness and death of my cowboy. The six months we spent fighting his illness (through brain surgeries, chemotherapy, hospital stays, and physical therapy) will never eclipse the three and a half years leading up to it. The good times will <b>never</b> overshadow the "bad".

I wonder how it would make my children feel to know the things that I share and the intimate moments of our life that I tell the world. I just wonder how my cowboy would feel about me telling everyone about our life...or even how my wild thing will feel (someday) about my feelings. Will he resent me for loving my cowboy so much and wondering if I'd love him?

I recently read an article about this conundrum.

http://tinyurl.com/msqrdm6

While I don't feel I'm in competition with the other blogs out there I want to guard myself and my children against a future full of resentment and hurt feelings because of something I said. Don't we all want that as mothers? Whether we blog or talk to our girlfriends, shouldn't we be mindful of the way we talk about our family?

Sleep Like a Baby

Let me remind you that the phrase "Sleep Like a Baby" is totally misrepresented. Babies, while they may sleep a lot, actually have a significant amount of trouble sleeping. Their poor little nervous systems are just trying to keep up with all of the input they are receiving. Babies actually spend about 50% of their sleep in active sleep, which is REM, where they are easily roused, make noises, and move around. Many babies have a hard time falling and staying asleep. It's not like it was in the good old days...when they were snuggled in your womb, with muffled noises, being rocked to sleep by all of your movements throughout the day.

What made me spout on about this is that my wild thing is 3 months old now and we are constantly barraged with questions about his sleep habits. Here's an example of how the conversation goes.

Them: "Is he a good sleeper?"

Me: "He sleeps."

Them: "Does he sleep through the night?"

Me: "Well, no. He sleeps with us, so I usually feed/check him each time he wakes up. He might sleep for one 3-4 hour stretch each night."

Them: "Oh, that's too bad." (CUE disapproving look regarding the co-sleeping.)

I always feel the need to explain myself and say that he only wakes to fidget or eat. He doesn't stay awake for long periods. Blah! Blah! What I really want to say is, "WTF people...he's three-months-old for goodness sake. He's only little for a very short period of time. He'll sleep through the night when he's ready. My cowboy did not sleep through the night until almost a year. After about 6 months he woke once each night to eat. Why do we need to rush toward milestones (like sleeping through the night)? Why do I need to force my infant to be an independent person?"

I was recently asked to fill out a form for when he begins child care (on a very part-time basis) in September. What is his sleep schedule? Well, he doesn't have one. What is his feeding schedule? Well, he doesn't have one. I know this sounds crazy to some people, but it is how I choose to parent.

As you can probably tell, I'm a little into the attachment parenting thing. I do everything I can to meet my wild thing's needs as they come along. If he's hungry, I feed him. If he's tired, he sleeps. Not everyone agrees with my parenting style. Aside from changing his diaper, I don't think we put my wild thing down for the first few weeks of life. I also believe in letting my baby be a baby for as long as he needs to. Mind you, I'm not saying he should still be wearing diapers when he enters kindergarten. I am saying that he will do things as he's ready to do them. He is becoming more independent as he is ready. He, in his own infant way, asks for the things he needs: food, changing, sleep, alone time, interaction, and chances to explore.

Paternity Leave

As part of my hubs’ parental leave he is off work for all of July. Yay that we get to spend time together with the wild thing and my step-daughter. AND boo at the same time! While he tries to help around the house (and I love him dearly), there are so many things we do differently.

For instance:

1) The other day, we were doing laundry and needed to do a load of towels. The night before, we had pulled the last of the towels from the cupboard and put them in our bathroom. My husband, in his grand wisdom, collected all of the towels from the bathrooms to wash. I go up to take a shower and no towel. Do I wait until the laundry is done before taking a shower (Even though I’m sweaty from working out!) or do I search for a towel? I found one hand towel in the cupboard. I take a shower and have to dry off with a hand towel. Seriously?!?! It barely wrapped around my thigh. How can this poor towel be expected to do the job of a towel four times it's size? When I mentioned it to hubs he says, “You could have used two hand towels.” Not, “Sorry babe. I should have thought about that.”

2) We’re out by the pool with the wild thing and he’s taking him inside to change him. As he’s walking along, the sun is blaring in the wild thing’s eyes. When I mention it, he says, “Well, if you hadn’t stopped me to tell me the sun wouldn’t have been in his eyes.” All I have to say is, “WTF!?!?” How is that my fault? Sheesh!

3) I get home from being gone all day with my wild thing. I have to go to the bathroom, so I ask hubs to hold him for me. He looks at me, momentarily distracted from his video game, and asks, "For how long?" I walked away. After being being alone with his games all day, I ask for a minute's peace and can't get that.

I'm done complaining, for now. I do get moments like this.

I know I'm a big fat complainer and am lucky to have a hubby who's interested in being home with us to "help". Some women don't have that. Heck, I didn't have that with my cowboy. His dad was deployed for 6 months after he was born. I was forced to be everything and do it independently. When he came home it was difficult for me to adjust and trust him with part of the responsibility. Maybe part of the reason for our marital demise. Who knows! Now I have a partner in parenting who wants to help and is here but...and here's the big BUT...does everything differently from me and requires me to pick up his messes. It's hard to share the load when it feels like doing it myself would be, possibly, faster and easier than explaining it all to him. It's just HARD! I know I'm not alone in this.

Missing One

I LOVE my wild thing. I enjoy my time with him and am blessed to have him in my life. Recently, I have been struggling with the separation between him and my cowboy. For years all I have had is my cowboy. He was with me until he was four-years-old and has been gone for almost 7 years now.

The last week or two, when thinking of my wild thing, I call him the wrong name. I know parents do that all the time and it’s no big deal. I do it with my students in class. We all laugh at my lapse in memory, since I obviously know their names. I obviously know my wild thing's name, as well. Not having my cowboy here with us makes it seem different...less funny and more heart-wrenching. It feels so wrong…like blaspheme! They are not the same little boy. My wild thing will never replace my cowboy. I can’t help, though, thinking, “My cowboy needs to eat.” Or, “My cowboy rolled over today.” I remember my cowboy being with me like it was yesterday. As far as I was concerned, he was the only one for me.

After losing my cowboy, I couldn't imagine having another child in my life who would hold such a significant place in my heart. Needless to say, pregnancy was very hard for me emotionally. As part of our birth preparation, I was asked to envision my perfect birth. It was heartbreaking for me because my perfect birth involved my cowboy. In a perfect world he would be there with us to welcome this new little one into our family.

Now that I my wild thing is here it is bittersweet. It’s something I need to work through because things will not change. The phrase, “This too shall pass” doesn’t apply. My cowboy is gone. My wild thing is here today. My love for them both is immeasurable. While I'm not much of a singer, my wild thing likes when I sing to him. Specifically, there is a song by J. J. Heller called "I Get to Be the One ." I frequently cry as I sing, look at my wild thing, and carry him through the house. Despite what I've lost I do get to be mommy to my wild thing. Every moment I get to be mommy is precious.

DIY Leg Warmers and A Little Love

Yesterday I was at my friend’s house hanging with the wild thing and doing crafty stuff. We ate, watched Brave, and made baby leg warmers from women’s and little boy’s socks. We found a very helpful tutorial on Little Pink Monster. It’s an old tutorial, but it beats spending $12 plus shipping on Babylegs leg warmers. I found some super cute socks at H&M.

I spent about $20 on socks and got 11 pairs of leg warmers. The hardest part was sewing the pieces together. While the mustaches were really cute, the amount of threads inside the sock made them less than ideal. I have never sewn fabric with stretch before and it was a little challenging. Keep in mind that I am NOT a skilled seamstress! You may be more skilled.

Natasha from Little Pink Monster recommends using a zigzag stitch, but when I did this you could see the stitching when my wild thing wore them. It was like it didn't hold the pieces together tightly. A straight stitch seemed to work better for me.

The other problem I had was that they two pieces we were sewing together were a little bit different in size. This meant we had to stretch the sock a little bit to keep the fabric from bunching. And were only mildly successful.

They look so cute on my wild thing’s chubby little legs. (Side Note: I love my Petunia Cake bag! I found it on sale at a little boutique. Love a good deal!)

The best part of the day, though, was hearing my cowboy’s voice. My friend found an old voicemail from my cowboy and I. She played it for me and hearing his little voice was the best feeling. It made me think of the baby lisp that he used to have. He said, “Hi…It’s me, cowboy…Talk to you later.” Oh, how I wish that were true.

The Low Down on Nursing Bras ( o )( o )

During my pregnancy I went shopping for bras. The women told me that I should go ahead and buy nursing bras because my boobs shouldn't get much bigger than they currently were. All I can say to that is, "HA!"..."Lies! All lies." Following delivery, none of my bras fit and still don't. I was generally free-boobin' until I was ready to leave the house several weeks in. At that point I decided that I wanted "the girls" where they are supposed to be...up...as opposed to down. This is a difficult task when you have, let's go with, large boobies and are nursing. Options are limited!

Let me tell you about a few I bought and how I feel about them. Disclaimer: These photos are not of me! I know we're all disappointed. ;)

Motherhood Full Coverage Underwire Nursing Bra (Note: I have heard that underwire bras while nursing can negatively impact milk production.)

Pros: I wore this bra throughout my pregnancy. It was pretty comfortable and
work appropriate. The fabric and construction are good quality. It is the only comfortable
underwire nursing bra I have found.

Cons: The underwire does make it difficult to actually nurse, since I feel it
gets in the way of accessing the whole boob. Because of the post-baby growth, I
never got to use it for nursing.

Motherhood Wireless Nursing Bra

Pros: This bra comes in a nude and pink stripe fabric. While neither are super sexy,
the pink is kind of cute. It's the one I bought. It is lined in the cups so that you can't
see your nipples. Much better than an unlined bra, as far as I'm concerned.

Cons: This one is not very comfortable. It has plastic stays along the band that
collapse and dig in on my sides. I cut them out to prevent this from being a problem. This
improved the bra. Also, being wireless, it does not provide enough support. My boobs had a
sort of smashed look. I'm big on bras providing support and feel that it looks bad seeing
boobies flopping around when people don't have good bras. Since I know that I feel this way,
I can't walk around looking all floppy.

Loving Moments by Leading Lady Maternity Wirefree Softcup Nursing Bra with Full Sling, 2-Pack from Walmart

Pros: This pack comes with a plain white bra and a white with pink polka-dots. Two
bras for around $13 is great. These work great for sleep or around-the-house bras. One thing
that I really like about these bras is that it has what they call a full sling. Instead of
just having a connection along the outside of the boob, this bra has a band that goes around
the top. It's very comfy for nursing and holds the boob in place. I also wash and dry this
bra without problems.

Cons: The cups are not lined, so you can see my nipples or nursing pads through my
shirts. The band under the boobs digs in if you wear it for a long period of time. While it
holds my boobs in place, it doesn't provide support for going out.

A Pea In The Pod Wireless Nursing Bra

Pros: This bra has good quality fabric and construction. I haven't had it long but
it appears to be holding up well. Again, the cups are lined preventing my nips from showing
through my clothes. The straps are a little wider and padded for comfort.

Cons: I don't know if I have a bad fit, though I was fitted when the bra was purchased.
The problem with this bra is that it collapses under my boobs. It fits the model nicely,
sitting flat between and under the boobs. It doesn't do this on me. I do wear my bras several
times before washing, so this may be a contributing factor. I usually hand wash this bra and
hang dry. I don't really like bras hanging all over my house (and I don't think hubs does either).
This bra is more pricey at around $50.

A Pea In The Pod Seamless Nursing Bra (Note: There is, apparently, a similar bra in the Motherhood line that is about half the price, but I haven't tried it. A Pea In The Pod seems to be made of better, more resilient fabrics.)

Pros: I really like this bra. It's the best that I've purchased. It's a cross between
a sports bra and normal bra. It has normal bra straps and a lower neckline which makes it
wearable with tank tops. The way the "cups" are sewn make shows that I have 2 boobs, unlike
most sports bras.

Cons: It's not very attractive. When the salesperson brought it to me, I was doubtful.
It stretches out some if you wear it too many times. I don't know what too many is. Let's just
say I wear my bras more than once between washings. This bra is more pricey at around $50.

My least favorite is an underwire nursing bra. I purchased it at Walmart. It is another Loving Moments nursing bra. I don't have anything good to say about it. It is super uncomfortable and my boobs don't fit all the way into the cup (because of the full sling design). Ugh! Looking at the website right now, it doesn't look like they sell it anymore. If they do, don't buy it!

The seamless Pea in the Pod bra is by far my favorite. I would recommend spending a little extra to get a good bra. I did and I now have two that are comfortable and able to be worn when I'll be seen by people. Well, people besides my wild thing and hubs. Hope this helps anyone looking for a nursing bra. There isn't a lot of information out there and the reviews are often misleading. Make sure to try bras on before buying. Online purchases didn't work out very well for me. I'd be happy to answer any additional questions. :)

Nursing Tops

People have told me that they are shirt-up or shirt-down nursers. I do both, but prefer shirt-down because I'm a babywearer. Pulling up my shirt is a pain while wearing a baby and it's hot. (I always wear a cami under my shirt if I'm lifting it up so I don't flash my floppy belly to the world.) Funny that I don't mind my boobs being out, but the belly is off-limits. Haha!

Since I'm opposed to spending $40+ on shirts I will only wear for a year (at most) I went to Destination Maternity for their nursing event. Buy 3 get 1 free! The downside is that they have a very limited selection...the big upside is that all tops I got are in the $20-30 range.

Motherhood Sleeveless Pull Over Snap Placket Nursing Top (On website as: Motherhood Sleeveless Pull Over Double Opening Tab Cuff Nursing Top...No, I don't know why. They obviously need help quality checking their site. I'd be happy to freelance for them.)

Pros: This top is comfy and the snaps make nursing access easy. It can be washed and dried. Also,
my hubs compliments me on it almost every time I wear it.

Cons: It's baggier in the belly than on the model. (I guess this is a pro if you want to camouflage.)
If you're modest and don't have a cover, you will be exposed. If I'm out, some kind of cover is a must!

Motherhood Sleeveless Pull Down Double Opening Braided Strap Nursing Top

Pros: This one actually has the double opening for nursing. It's more coverage than any of the other
nursing tops I've purchased. It comes in cute, bright colors (I have a blueish and coral.) The shoulder
detail is cute, as well.

Cons: I feel like it's a little big on top and a smaller size would have made it tight in my tummy.
It gets more stretched out when I nurse and babywear. The fabric is thin enough (though I wouldn't call it
a bad fabric) that you can see the inner panel right across the middle of my belly. Also, I don't think it's
supposed to be dried. I wash it in cold and hang dry.

Motherhood Sleeveless Pull Over Double Opening Stretch Fabric Nursing Top(Note: This is not double opening, but a pull down top.)

Pros: My personal favorite. This top fits well and the double elastic along the neckline adds detail.
It's comfortable and I feel cute in it. To nurse, it's a simple pull down design. The fabric is a soft
cotton that is easily washed and dried. I have been wearing this shirt for a few months now and was worried
about stretch in the neckline from pulling it down. I haven't had any problems with that so far.

Cons: If you are modest, this shirt offers no coverage while nursing. You need a cover if you
don't want "the girls" hanging out.

I have one other top that came from Target. It is a hand-me-down, so I couldn't find information on it for you. Instead of a double opening, this shirt has a panel across the boobs that has elastic (like an empire waistline). I'm not sure what that is called. The benefit of this top is that it provides a lot of coverage while nursing. The panel that lifts up covers the top portion of your boob, which most tops I've found don't do.

If you have extra in the budget and want some cute tops, check out peek-a-boo maternity & nursing wear. The tops that I've found there are super cute. This is an example: Angel Sleeve Top.

Hope this helps those who are monumentally confused by the world of nursingwear!

The Joys of Nursing

Now, having baby number 2, I have been on both sides of the nursing debate. One was formula-fed and the other exclusively breastfed. What you choose is up to you. It's a very personal decision.

I didn't nurse my cowboy. He was a formula boy. I was happy with my decision at the time. He grew and thrived.

I currently nurse my little wild thing. I said I would try it because my husband felt strongly about it and the research says it's best. For me, it gave me the ickies. I'm generally very modest and have a history of abuse. Let me say this, now that I've done it...I love it. What I don't love is the small selection of good nursing attire.

Good bras, tanks, and shirts are hard to come by. Let me define good: functional, comfortable, non-frumpy, and affordable. Affordable has been a big one for me. At most, I plan on nursing for a year. Spending hundreds of dollars on a nursing wardrobe is not in the budget. If it's cute, it's probably out of my price-range.

Before I began nursing, I anticipated that I would look something like these women shortly after I had my wild thing.

I was so wrong. With the bras and clothing choices I had, I ended up looking floppy-breasted, porn star-esque, or muffin-boobed...not to mention that my tummy is big and floppy. Can we say SUPER sexy? A few weeks after my wild thing was born I decided enough was enough. If I was going to leave the house, I wanted to look presentable. I had looked online endlessly, deciding if $40-80 was acceptable for a shirt. Then I drug hubs and my wild thing along for a "short" shopping trip.

Join me for two posts that give the pros and cons of the nursing attire I have acquired.

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Fauxby Wrap

I love my Moby. It's a little warm, as is wearing baby using any carrier/wrap/sling. I have been raving about the joys of babywearing to a friend of mine for weeks. The best part is that I get to keep my wild thing close AND use both of my arms. I'm going to be honest...after the first few weeks of sitting on the couch staring lovingly at my wild thing while holding him, I needed to get up and do stuff. Happy baby and happy mommy. Awesome possum!

The other day we decided to make our own. We watched a few how to videos. None of them were very specific on the fabric to use. Jersey knit was all we got. At Jo-Ann we ended up selecting a poly-cotton blend. Not the most natural fabric but it had nice stretch and was thinner than my current Moby.

My Moby is a little short and I can't tie it in the front like all of the tutorials. (READ: I feel like a fatty.) It's also very uncomfortable to tie in the back, especially if you're riding in the car. Someone suggested that bigger or taller girls should get 5 1/2 or 6 yards. We got 6 and it feels like miles and miles of fabric. I'm 5' 9" and my friend is a little bigger. For anyone buying fabric I recommend buying more and cutting it down to your size. That way you don't end up tying it in the back by default and, like me, feeling like a super fatty.

I thought about making a pocket at one end to hold some miscellaneous items. We'll see if I get ambitious. The cool thing is that there's no sewing involved in making the basic wrap. I got an iron-on patch to mark the center, which makes it way easier to wrap up.

The Money: That's what we all want to know, right? A standard Moby is $47-ish. It was about $50 for the fabric and patches. We made 2 wraps, although you could probably get 3. My friend and I split the cost. So, the wrap was about $25. A little tip...use a coupon. The fabric was $9.99/yard, but we had a 40% off coupon for Jo-Ann.

Save the drama for the llamas.

There has been so much drama lately, I'm not sure what's going on. Is it the super moon? Is it the horrendous southern California heat? I came home the other day and told the hubs, "You may drive me crazy, but at least our lives are mostly drama free."

There has been pregnancy, death, death, heart conditions, fights, marital separation, death, pregnancy, and bipolar episodes (without the diagnosis). All of this in the span of a week or two. ALL of this within my small circle or family and friends.

Don't get me wrong; I hurt for all they are going through. I've been through all of this myself. BUT do you ever wonder why there are people for whom drama is a constant part of their lives? Is it their choices, personality, etc.? I don't have the answer. I just know I'm thought to be a HUGE B for trying to avoid it in my life. I'm unsupportive and judgmental. (I won't lie. I'm judging. Everyone does.)

A few years ago, my life was in a season of struggle and "small" amount of drama. There was marital separation, girlfriends, divorce, custody battles, cancer, and death. I'm blessed that the current season of my life is much calmer. I spend time with hubs and my little wild thing in our calm (if a little dirty) house. I'm not so stupid to think I will be this way forever. I'm just glad it is now.

For a laugh (and distraction from the drama all around) I read a little commentary on Fundies. Hilarious! I disagree on one count. Sex in the hot tub is still fun. Not to mention that you can do crazy positions in there that gravity just won't allow at your current ____. Fill in the blank with whatever applies to you: weight, flexibility, strength, age. Don't think that I am some crazy sex kitten. I have a newborn... enough said!