If you ask me how I'm doing, I will say I'm doing just fine.

I will lie and say, "it's not on my mind."

I don't know what it is, specifically. There are always options. Always things that drag me down. Always things we say to placate others, so they don't see the truth.

Yes, we're fine.
Christmas was great.
Life is good.

In many cases, for me anyways, there's nothing that can be identified as wrong,  but nothing feels right either. When I don't have things to do our don't stay busy, depression settles in. I can feel it happening. Am I alone in this? I don't know if this is something that happens to other people. It's the holidays and we're supposed to be happy. So, what if I'm not? Just pretend? Don't cry in front of people? Ugh!
I sound like a huge whiner and don't mean to be. The reality of life is that people aren't always happy or joyful or even thankful when we're supposed to be. Sometimes we just exist. Sometimes we just make it through.

"How long are you nursing?"

I have recently read a lot of posts about how people want to nurse until their baby is 3 or higher...and reading about how judgmental other people are when it comes to this. I get it! I'm judgmental by nature. I judge these people too (in my mind). As someone who has body issues from childhood traumas, it is something I have struggled with.

My heart, on the other hand, is with them. I recently read an article about a woman who was still nursing her daughter at 4 years old. She had just undergone surgery and nursing was the only way she was comforted, not to mention that her mother was the only one who could comfort her in this way. I found myself thinking, "Why wouldn't I do this for my child? Why should I force my wild thing to stop nursing when I am the only one who possesses this special comforting power?" and, "Do I want to give that up because of what other people think?" The answer is wholeheartedly, "No." My mind, on the other hand, feels weird about it.

I know my child will not still be nursing in kindergarten. I know he won't be nursing as he graduates high school or on his wedding day. I don't even know that I will have those days with him; that I will meet those milestones. I was robbed of so many of those future milestones with my cowboy, the don't really exist for me with my wild thing. I won't be able to think about the possibility of them until they are here.

I have made it to and past my six month goal that hubs and I agreed on. At this point, I plan on nursing until I don't. I have no idea when that will be. I have no idea when we will decide that part of our journey is over. I do hope that the decision will be made because he feels secure in the knowledge that I will still be a warm, comforting presence even without nursing.