Sunday, December 29, 2013

If you ask me how I'm doing, I will say I'm doing just fine.

I will lie and say, "it's not on my mind."

I don't know what it is, specifically. There are always options. Always things that drag me down. Always things we say to placate others, so they don't see the truth.

Yes, we're fine.
Christmas was great.
Life is good.

In many cases, for me anyways, there's nothing that can be identified as wrong,  but nothing feels right either. When I don't have things to do our don't stay busy, depression settles in. I can feel it happening. Am I alone in this? I don't know if this is something that happens to other people. It's the holidays and we're supposed to be happy. So, what if I'm not? Just pretend? Don't cry in front of people? Ugh!
I sound like a huge whiner and don't mean to be. The reality of life is that people aren't always happy or joyful or even thankful when we're supposed to be. Sometimes we just exist. Sometimes we just make it through.

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

"How long are you nursing?"

I have recently read a lot of posts about how people want to nurse until their baby is 3 or higher...and reading about how judgmental other people are when it comes to this. I get it! I'm judgmental by nature. I judge these people too (in my mind). As someone who has body issues from childhood traumas, it is something I have struggled with.

My heart, on the other hand, is with them. I recently read an article about a woman who was still nursing her daughter at 4 years old. She had just undergone surgery and nursing was the only way she was comforted, not to mention that her mother was the only one who could comfort her in this way. I found myself thinking, "Why wouldn't I do this for my child? Why should I force my wild thing to stop nursing when I am the only one who possesses this special comforting power?" and, "Do I want to give that up because of what other people think?" The answer is wholeheartedly, "No." My mind, on the other hand, feels weird about it.

I know my child will not still be nursing in kindergarten. I know he won't be nursing as he graduates high school or on his wedding day. I don't even know that I will have those days with him; that I will meet those milestones. I was robbed of so many of those future milestones with my cowboy, the don't really exist for me with my wild thing. I won't be able to think about the possibility of them until they are here.

I have made it to and past my six month goal that hubs and I agreed on. At this point, I plan on nursing until I don't. I have no idea when that will be. I have no idea when we will decide that part of our journey is over. I do hope that the decision will be made because he feels secure in the knowledge that I will still be a warm, comforting presence even without nursing.

Monday, November 25, 2013

Disagreements

My hubby and I have been going at it for about a week now. (And not in a good way.) We don't fight much,  but it gets very quiet in the house. I don't want to fight. I don't know how to fight. I get so angry, embarrassed, and frustrated. I can't even get out a complete, coherent sentence. It hurts my heart. It makes me question our relationship. Why should it be so easy to call it quits? There was a blog post today that spoke to me. She said it better than I could.

http://nurshable.com/2013/11/25/the-fight

I hope it speaks to your heart.

Monday, November 11, 2013

Cowboy

Today is my cowboy's death day.  It's been 7 years since we lost him. (That makes him sound like a misplaced toy. And I start to cry thinking about it.) It's so much more than that... he's so much more than that. I have no words to explain this loss has done to me...to my family. It has changed us all.

It's interesting how today creeps in on me now, after 7 years. I always think I'm fine. I keep busy and then I have moments like this where it hits me.

My top 10 favorite things about my cowboy, in no particular order:
1. He was.
2. He was so easy to love.
3. Just by being,  he changed people's lives.
4. He loved strongly. (Horses, Bear, Pa-paw, Grammy, westerns... there's too many things to list)
5. He was mine.
6. All he went through didn't steal his joy.
7. His favorite thing to do when we got home was kick dust in his boots.
8. He loved the color green but not green food.
9. He was fast like a cheetah.
10. Toward the end,  when he was still practically paralyzed on one side of his body, he would crawl through the house to find me just duo he could tell me he loved me. I must've heard it a thousand times.
11. He loved Santa Claus. (Obsessively watched the movies and found him in Ralph's one day.)

I know that's 11. There are so many more. Yes, I'm crying. Yes, I will always miss him this way.

Thursday, November 7, 2013

Got milk?

Recently, I've been following lots of breastfeeding and natural parenting advocacy pages on the internet. I'm interested in what they all have to say. I'm astounded at the people who are angry at people who do things differently. Do you seriously need to get angry at me because I don't think we should spank our kids? Do you need to judge because I'm breastfeeding as long as it works for us? I'm off on a tangent now. Yesterday, the hubs and I were in the drive-thru at Taco Bell (totally healthy, I know). The vehicle in front of us had a "Got Milk?" sticker on their window. I was not offended by the slogan. I was offended by the picture next to it. It showed Betty Boop with HUGE boobies. She wasn't nursing. They were just hanging out for the world to see. It was porn star status. (I took a picture for those of you who can't envision it.)


The hubs said something to the effect of..."It's only offensive because of the way society views breasts." I countered with..."It's offensive because they want it to be." It's like the stupid Time magazine cover that started so much drama last year-ish. They weren't presenting a warm, comforting relationship between mother and child.

I've thought about it since last night and it really bothers me that they were sexualizing breasts in reference to breastfeeding. Does that make sense? If they had a little sketch of a woman nursing, with the catch phrase, cute...I may even chuckle. (Btw, I searched the internet. There are no breastfeeding stick figures. I'll have to work on that. Hehe!) I wonder though...how is the world's view of breastfeeding going to change if we are perpetuating the sexualization of breastfeeding?

I don't know why I'm so angry about this. Wait, I do. I didn't want to breastfeed my wild thing. I was modest and I struggled with the fact that breasts were for sexual gratification. I had a hard time separating the two functions in my mind and it bothered me. This window sticker just reinforced that to the world. I may ramble about this again soon because I'm really trying to work it out in my head. What do you think?

Monday, November 4, 2013

The Dirty Car Mommy Club

I look around at all of my friends with little ones around the same age as my wild thing. They all have dirty cars. I'm not talking about trash piled up inside. (That would be gross!) I'm talking about dirt becoming so thick that you can barely see through the windshield.

I'm embarrassed to drive around in my disgusting vehicle. Every time I get in I cringe. Do I have time to wash my car? No. Do I want to take my wild thing (who generally hates car seats) to the car wash while someone else washes it? No. Who has time for this? I'm busy taking care of my wild thing. He's clean, fed, and dressed most of the time.

It's interesting how becoming a mom changes many women. (No, not just the dirty car thing. That may have happened before the baby came along.) I watch my friends who are new moms and it's so interesting to see how they change. Some become more neurotic and panic easily. Strong, knowledgeable women begin to doubt everything they do. Others become softer. I know this last one sounds strange, but their actual personality changes. I've been told that being a mommy has this effect on me. Maybe it's the way that they light up around their baby or have opened themselves up emotionally. I was at a party a few weeks ago, and a girl I know, who has always bee nice, really opened up about her life and struggles with breastfeeding. I was amazed at how different she seemed since having her little one. Not everyone is like me, and does a complete 180 when the baby comes into the picture. I can't really pinpoint it for each and every woman, but I'm always fascinated by the women who change so dramatically when their babies come along.

For me, loving a baby is so easy. How could I not go soft with something so easy to love and so willing to love you back. Scientists talk about the fact that it is their cuteness, as infants, that draws us in and releases insane amounts of hormones. Loving is scary though; changing for my baby is scary. I'm afraid to love him and lose him. This happened with my cowboy and I swore I would never do it again. It hurt too much. Now that I have my wild thing, I can't help it. I'm head over heels and way more crazy than I was with my cowboy.

To all my friends who grow into themselves as they become mothers, really allow yourself to blossom. To all my friends who struggle and second-guess, just love them and trust your instincts. You fascinate me...all of you.

Saturday, October 12, 2013

Fall Fever

When I put it that way it sounds like a super cool trend. What I'm really talking about is an actual fever. My wild thing had his sixth monthday yesterday. Yay! He also had his first fever. I wanted to panic and dope him up as soon as I took his temperature. I had to talk myself down from the ledge. Fevers, in the normal range, are no big deal, right? All people get them. There's no need to panic, right? Tell that to a mommy who's had a child with cancer. Every fever is cause for concern.

Now, after losing a child to illness, I'm a freak when it comes to health. Any "little" thing could turn into my worst nightmare. I remember talking to the urgent care doctor one night when Jason had been vomiting and spiked a fever. He rattled off a list if things it could be. He mentioned meningitis, which terrified me since I had been very ill with it (twice) as an infant. All were relatively benign compared to the diagnosis we got a few weeks later. It was a brain tumor, a serious business one. It was just a fever, right? To me, it's never just a fever.

Nevertheless, I talked myself down from the ledge of immediately resorting to meds. A fever is just your body's way of fighting off illness and should (within reason) be allowed to run it's course. (Am I letting my crunchiness show?) We started sponging him with tepid water and nursing as much as possible. It seemed to be working when, several hours in, we checked his temp and it was 102.4. Creeping toward 103 was my cut-off. We gave him acetaminophen.

Throughout the night it stayed highish, but had broken by 8:00 the next morning. I thought all was good, aside from him being a little sleepy. Then I got out of my massage and my wild thing wouldn't look at me or really focus on anything. I had a moment of panic where I thought, "OMG! Did the f***in' fever impact his vision?" I was scared. It took a little bit of trickery on my part, but he finally looked at me and smiled. He was just mad at me for leaving him alone with my hubs for a bit. Little boogie!

It's laugh-worthy now. It wasn't at the time. It makes me think of when my cowboy had his first surgery, I think. He was in ICU and the doctors are crowded around asking a hundred questions. He, all of a sudden, yells, "I can't see." They, of course, freak out and start examining him, since he did just have brain surgery. He was talking about the tv. The plethora of doctors were blocking his view. Sheesh! Kids!

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Ailments and Heartache

I am blessed to have a happy, healthy little boy. I say that with a mix of happiness and sadness. I haven't always had this luxury.

What made me think about this is the plight of several of my friends with infants. When your little one is sick or not feeling 100%, it is the worst thing in the world. I wish that their babies didn't have to suffer with rashes or spit up or reflux. I feel for them; I truly do. I look at my wild thing and he is strong and healthy. It is a blessing to have this.

Not everyone does. I know that it can be taken away at any minute. I have had the sick kid and lost the battle we fought with his illness. I never want to throw this in people's faces (well, not anymore) and say, "Yeah, well, my cowboy died. That spit up problem is nothing compared to that." That would earn me the worst friend of the year award. I do, however, realize that when it is your kid, the problem that you are dealing with at the moment is the worst.

Is your baby miserable? Colicky? Suffering from reflux or a milk sensitivity? Does he have a rash? Did he bump his head? Does he have a heart condition or cancer? Is your child dying? Each of those things, when you have to deal with them, is the worst thing for your kid. Because they are suffering and they are yours.

I look at my wild thing and feel bad when he spits up or has teething pain. It hurts my heart to see him suffer.

It hurts my heart to know that his brother, my cowboy, suffered that way times a thousand. The suffering that he experienced, while I stood by, was immeasurable. My cowboy would have taken a scraped knee like a champ because it was nothing in comparison to what he dealt with on a regular basis before he died. Does that change the way I will respond to my wild thing when he scrapes his knee? No way! My heart will hurt for the pain he is enduring because he is my baby.

I hope that the worst thing we have to deal with, as mommies, is scraped knees, colic, an occasional broken bone, and sending them away to college. I hope your heartache never matches my own.

Monday, October 7, 2013

When Did it Become Not Enough?

I want to be someone and accomplish things. I have goals for my life. I allow myself to get all wrapped up in being something. It takes a bad day or emotional week to stop and think about what I'm actually doing. It's these times that I wonder why it isn't enough to be my wild thing's mom. Raising him to be a happy, healthy, well-and-truly-loved child is a significant undertaking. So, why is that not enough? Why do I need to be more than that?

This week has been rough. Work, school, and my wild thing. Work and school have not been going as smoothly as I hoped. At times, I feel like crying because they are taking me away from what I really want to be doing. (I want to be taking care of my wild thing.) I'm even working from home and everyone tells me that it's the perfect job for a mommy. I'm doubting people's assertions about this job. I am technically here with my wild thing, but I'm often not engaged with him. It hurts me to have to keep saying, "Give mommy a few more minutes," as he cries in his bouncy seat. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying it's traumatic for both of us most of the time. There are moments when I want to throw in the towel.

I think back on the few weeks that I was officially unemployed. I felt like a big loser. Now that I have a job, every day is about what they want from me. Each day more is expected of me, with the impending doom of going full-time in a few months. What happened to my easy part-time job? I tell myself that I need something to motivate me and keep me going. A job has been able to do that for me in the past. It gives me a purpose of sorts, even on the days I don't like it. Now that I'm working and going to school, I realize that the thing that does, and should, keep me going is my wild thing.

Society and family (and the bills in the mailbox) don't make it easy or acceptable to be "just" a mommy. People always want to know what else you do, as if parenting isn't enough.

I could quit school and just be my wild thing's mommy, but I do want more for my life. Being in school allows me to plan that big coming into being event for several years in the future (when my wild thing is older). I "someday" want to be someone who changes the world. That day doesn't need to be today.

The part of the world that needs my influence today is a lot smaller and simpler. He's sleeping next to me snoring softly. When did it become not enough just to be his mommy?

Monday, September 16, 2013

Sophie has arrived!

I'm not much for hype when it comes to toys, clothes, etc. I've heard about Sophie for a while now and it seems like everyone buys one for their baby. All babies are different and my wild thing may not need a Sophie. Heck, I didn't really even know what she was. (She's a natural rubber giraffe with a squeaker.)

A few weeks ago, when we were on vacation, Max was introduced to Sophie. He loved it! He was immediately sucking on her head and ears. I resolved to buy one and here she is.

I figured that, as soon as I gave it to him, he would be disinterested and toss it aside. I lucked out! He went to sucking on her head immediately, laughed at her little squeaker, and squeaked her all by himself. It's the little things, I guess.


Identity blocked to protect the naked. ;)


While I don't recommend buying toys for baby because everyone else is, sometimes the reason they are all buying it is because it is awesome. I have another crazy toy on the way, we'll see if he likes it as much. Fingers crossed! I love watching him explore the things around him. At the moment, he explores everything with his mouth. That's the life of a two-teether.

Thursday, September 12, 2013

A little healing, A little hurting

I want to take a brief moment to mention that life is sometimes emotional and hard. I'm so thankful for the mamas that I have met since I lost my cowboy. Women who are real with me (they've been there or they act normally when I tell them he is gone) are the best. I can't stand that look of pity that some people get. I know they can't help it and don't know what else to do.

This past weekend, I met a woman who was asking about my kids because my wild thing was there with me. I told her and she looked me straight in the face and said, "Tell me. What happened?" It was beautiful! I told her. It wasn't awkward. It didn't hurt to tell his story to someone who wasn't afraid of it. I'm proud to talk about my cowboy to people who are interested in knowing about him. He was the best kid ever and he brought so much joy to people. Why should I feel awkward that he died? Why should my misfortune and people's discomfort make me lie about how many kids I have?

I was having this conversation today at the radiothon for the local children's hospital where my cowboy was treated. The other woman, a cancer mama, whose daughter also lost her battle, said she has gotten to the point where she hates meeting new people. I'm socially awkward as it is and feelings like this make it so much worse. Normal chit-chat is filled with landmines for people like us.

How many kids do you have?
How old are they?
Do your other children like the new baby?

I can stand there looking at them confused and saying, "Umm." Tell the truth. And getthe pitying look. Or lie. Lying feels like sacrilege. A disservice to the life that he had. Sometimes it's easier and stops the conversation in it's tracks. "No, I don't have any other children."

My point is, sometimes you just need to talk to someone who gets it and can practically finish your sentences because they have felt exactly the same way. Neither of us wants to have learned the things we did, had our hearts broken, or lost the most precious thing in the world to us. It's nice to have someone there with me now.

Several years after my cowboy's death, a friend of mine said, "You're not the only one who's ever lost a child." I didn't say anything at the time. To her, I would say, "No, but I'm the only one who's lost my child. That means no one can say when or how my healing process will happen." Some days, like today, I get to feel normal and a little like I'm not alone in feeling that exact thing.

So glad I get a chance to see mamas each year at the KFRG radiothon. It should be way more often.

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

We Talked About Chlamydia

Yes, I mean my wild thing and I. It was simple, really. He found his wee (penis). And I started talking to him about how it was for peepee now, but would be for sexy time when he was older.

Next thing you know I'm telling him he should wait until he finds someone he loves and not to waste it on some gross, slutty girl. Gross, slutty girls lead to chlamydia. And who wants chlamydia? Not my wild thing, that's for sure. Because if he came home with chlamydia mommy would laugh at him for sticking his wee where it doesn't belong (in some janky ass, slutty chick with chlamydia) after she got him help. The slutty chick is not getting him help; mommy is...in case you were confused.

I'm having this conversation with my 5-month-old in a high baby-talkish voice and he's cooing right back at me. I didn't go into the dangers of other STDs. Why cross a line in weird conversations, right? Maybe next time.

At least he'll never be able to say we weren't open with him about sex.

Monday, September 9, 2013

Formula-fed Doctor??

I just read this article about a doctor-to-be who was formula-fed. Say it isn't so! We all know that the research tells us breast is best. Who does this guy think he is? I know I don't want a dumber doctor. It's like that saying, "A doctor with C grades is still a doctor."

Ok, I'm totally kidding. My cowboy was formula-fed and a little smarty pants. There are people who act this way. While there are many things we shouldn't do as parents, so much is up for interpretation.

Home or hospital birth? Breast or bottle? Formula or breastmilk? Pacifier or thumb? Crib or co-sleeping? [Side note: Someone recently said that co-sleeping is a "fancy" word for sleeping together. It's not fancy. That's what co means. Lol.] Work or stay-at-home?

These nuances of parenting make little differences in babies. It's really about what works best for each baby.

Your baby won't be irreparably damaged if they are in the NICU getting formula and never nurse. (On my soapbox, I will say they will be better off if they can get any breast milk.)

Your baby won't be made fun of for having the paci that soothes them, if you don't let them take it to high school.

Your baby probably won't be co-sleeping by the time they want to have a slumber party. They will branch out when they are ready.

Here's a few examples of things that I will judge you for. (READ: Things you shouldn't do as a parent!)

DON'T let your toddler stand on a lawn chair above a flaming bbq...alone...holding a spatula. (Yes, this really happened.)

DON'T hit your child while yelling at them, "We don't hit." (Mixed messages people. AND it doesn't teach them anything.)

DON'T leave your infant/toddler at home to fend for themself while you hit the night club. (Duh!)

Oh, the article that I read that started this whole awesome tirade...you can find it here. This is funny stuff.

http://www.babble.com/baby/formula-fed-baby-enters-medical-school-satire/

Friday, September 6, 2013

Anxiety- Inducing Massage

I haven't gotten a massage in about six months. (I'm not whining. It was my choice, but I need them to keep the tension headaches at bay.) My wild thing is almost five months old and I was out on bedrest at 34 weeks. So, it's been a while.

For months hubs has been telling me to make an appointment and he will watch my wild thing. In theory that sounds totally reasonable; in practice, not so much. All of these terrible feelings coursed through my body when we talked about it, but I finally made an appointment and worked out a system with hubs. He and wild thing would come to the massage place and wait while I got my massage. Side note: I call it a massage parlor but hubs says that sounds too much like one of those places where the "happy ending" service is offered.

Anyway, in my mind I thought that this way he could get me if I was needed and it got rid of the anxiety about walking out the door and leaving him. No, I'm not dumb enough to think that he would actually come and interrupt my massage for me to deal with the crying baby. It eased my mind though.

The day before and morning of, I was a little freaked out. I also sat looking at wild thing a little more longingly than normal...remembering each detail of him. I know this sounds a little over the top. Just remember that this is the first time I've left him and if I'm not there I can't protect him. I don't know what I'm always protecting him from, but the world is filled with dangers.

Having my wild thing after losing my cowboy is sometimes terrifying. At times, things are so scary...poised to take him from me at any moment. Other times, I'm just a normal mommy changing poopy and keeping the milk flowing. I'm not sure how to balance my fear yet. Things (bigger things than an hour massage) are coming to us soon. I will have to let him go. I will have to leave him somehwere I am not.

Until then, an hour massage is just the right amount of risk. Lol. They asked me if I would to schedule an hour and a half or two hour massage since I had so many saved up. I laughed at them. ;) You wouldn't want to leave this little guy either, I think!

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

DIY Elmo Cake & Cupcakes

My nephew's second birthday was this weekend. It was cute with lots of DIY touches that my sister did. There was lots of Cricut use and a homemade Elmo cake stand. If you don't know what a Cricut is, you are obviously not a crafter or scrapbooker. It's a machine that cuts out all kinds of cute shapes and letters.

I, somehow, ended up with the cake tasks. Somehow means I offered to help (being polite) and my sister hands me this whole cake decorating kit. I'm like, " Wtf am I going to do with that?" I don't know how to decorate a cake. She, on the other hand, has taken several classes. Ugh!

A week or so before this I sent her some links for cute and easy Elmo cake decorating ideas. They kind of looked like cracked-out Elmos with big, spastic eyes. Using two large marshmallows on a cupcake is eye overkill and a little scary.

We modified all of the "awesome" online suggestions to make Elmo look more normal. The result was cute...until it got hot. Then the red frosting started to melt. Our formerly cute Elmos began look like an Elmo version of the Scream mask. You know, long open mouth?!?!

Note: If you are trying to get white frosting to turn a bright red color, do not, I repeat, do not use a whole squeezy bottle of food coloring. The frosting cannot handle it and maintain consistency.



After decorating 40ish cupcakes it was time for the little cake. I was terrified to try this wax paper transfer technique. But it worked like a charm. There were a few spots where I had to touch-up the line. Something I did, to make sure that the base frosting didn't peel off with the wax paper, was to frost the cake and let it sit in the fridge overnight. My sister mentioned something about a crumb coat (I think), but I didn't know what it was, let alone how to do it.



All in all the cupcakes and cake began the day looking quite cute. There was only one questionable with wonky eyes. He was good for a laugh, until they all went south. Poor Elmos!

Thursday, August 29, 2013

Work-at-home Mommy

It's a not enough to be called a stay-at-home mommy or homemaker. There's now a class of work-at-home mommies. I am now going to join the ranks of these working mommies. I'm not filling out surveys or secret shopping or doing data entry. I will be teaching in a virtual classroom.

I know I'll still be home and my wild thing doesn't have to go anywhere for me to work. My concern is that I will be home with him, but not actually present. If I'm going to work, this home teaching assignment is the best case scenario. So why am I hesitating? I feel like a big whiner that I get to be home with my wild thing (except for the few hours I'll be teaching while he naps or is with a mother's helper) and I get to make money.

Parenting is hard and I'm always second-guessing myself. I want my wild thing to have 110% from me. (I also feel the need to give 110% to my job and school and anything else I decide to take on.) It's relatively easy for me to be patient with him or meet all if his needs. The struggle I have is that I feel the need to savor every minute...every milestone. Here's hoping I can work from home and savor everything my wild thing has in store for me.

Friday, August 23, 2013

Couponing Conundrum

For me, couponing is stressful and, possibly, unrewarding. Granted, I'm not one of those extreme couponer ladies. I just figure, now that I'm home (READ=broke), I should help reduce the monthly expenses even further by whittling away at our grocery budget. I went shopping today an got a fair amount of stuff. The receipt makes me feel successful in my endeavor.


I couldn't believe it when I saw my total savings. Especially since I was very nervous about whether or not the coupons and deals would work like I imagined. Their coupon system is actually cool. They allow you to load manufacturer coupons to your reward card which is automatically applied to your purchase when your card is scanned. I only hand carried about half a dozen coupons. With sales, their coupons, and manufacturer coupons I saved around 50% off my total. Wowza!

I can't help but wonder if my total savings is skewed because I went to a new grocery store. I wonder what the total would have been if I had gone to Staters (my normal choice for grocery shopping). Part of me wonders if I was actually ripped off by their sale and high price gimmicks! Who knows?!?!?

On the plus side, I'm confident I can do this again and be successful. I can only get better, right? AND I can show the receipt to my hubs and bask in his praise at what an industrious wifey I am. Lol.

Friday, August 16, 2013

Baby Swim Spa

Baby spa bathtubs are enough of a luxury item that they make me giggle. Recently I heard about a place called a Baby Swim Spa. Babies get massages and "swim" in little tubs with a glass side so you can see what's going on.


First, the baby gets a kind of abrupt massage. Then, the little baby has a floaty attached to his head and floats around in this aquarium by himself. I found this awesome video that shows what it looks like.

Baby "Swimming"

Parents get this little video to music. Do you see how the baby doesn't even know what to do at first? He just kind of hangs there. Do you see the parents keep pushing him away from the edge so he doesn't get stuck along the side? Oh, the things that we do (as parents) to entertain our kids. Babies don't need lights, music, or massages at the swim spa. They are happy with our time and attention. Cracks me up!

I will have to say that my wild thing definitely needs one of these. Hehe!


Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Sleep Training?!?!?

So, I read all of these websites that talk about how wonderful sleep training is and negate parents who do attachment parenting-type behaviors. (All of the things I do.) One webpage actually said that, "otherwise intelligent parents were reduced to xyz to get their babies to sleep." I was blown away at their disregard for the way I choose to parent. It's my choice if I want to hold my baby or wear him to sleep. I don't think that these parenting behaviors make me less of an in-control or competent parent.

My wild thing came up on four months and became a crazy arm flailer. He hits himself, rips his paci out of his mouth, scratches himself, and does anything he can to fight sleep. I read that ALL babies like to be swaddled, even if they "scream viciously" when they are first wrapped. This sounds so stupid to me. My wild thing did not like to be swaddled when he was born and hasn't every time we tried since then. He protested loudly when we wrapped him up through those torturous weeks of night screaming. It always seemed to make it worse. My baby did not like being swaddled.

Since he began flailing his arms in the last few weeks he has been struggling with sleep...falling and staying asleep. I read that swaddling can be done without the legs. I tried this and it has worked. Just wrapping his arms helps him to sleep longer and fall asleep easier. The other day he actually woke up and fell back asleep several times while swaddled. This was awesome! Usually, awake is awake whether he's been asleep five minutes or an hour. I feel the need to write an ode to swaddling.

Wrap his arms not legs
He will sleep the hours away
Wake with smiles for me

Okay, it's more of a haiku. ;)

I'm still not interested in scheduling my wild thing, since I feel that having a child should change your life. You shouldn't expect everything to be the same afterward. Okay, I'm off my parenting soapbox. To each his own. I'm happy wrapping his arms is making him sleep well and wake happy.

Monday, August 12, 2013

How much anxiety is normal?

My wild thing is 4 months-old now. The only time we've been apart is when he went to Farmer Boys with the hubs. He slept the whole way and they went through the drive-thru. It was 20 minutes tops. This was about 3 weeks ago. I was stressed as they drove away, but we made it through.

He will be about 5 months the first time we are apart for a few hours. The thing planned is the first week of September and I'm starting to feel anxiety about being away from him for several hours. It's a photography class that I'm super excited about. My excitement doesn't seem to outweigh my anxiety. Hours fly by as when we are together, but I feel like the will drag torturously while we are apart. I've been blessed to be home, join a research team where my wild thing can be with me for most things, and have an advisor who will let me bring him to class if I've got no other options.

I thought, maybe, it would get easier as he got older...and I wouldn't have as much anxiety about leaving him. I was wrong. The other day we were at a friend's house and she was sitting on the floor next to my wild thing. He got this look on his face, like, "WTH is going on? And who are you?" As soon as he could see me the look disappeared and a potential crisis was averted. My problem is that the crisis is imminent. I will have to be away from him to go to school, etc. Sigh!

What the heck am I going to do with this anxiety? What happened to the calm and collected woman who inhabited my body before my wild thing came along? I kind of want her back.

Monday, July 29, 2013

Trip Comes to an End

As our trip has continued, the service has gotten better but the accommodations have gotten worse. Tonight there is a funny smell, holes in the wall, and shoe scuff marks all over the walls. We now reside in this fantastic room for the night.

But what has really happened is that my wild thing is growing up before my eyes. He's growling, grabbing things with intention, beginning to play, and has tasted his first foods. Sigh! With the food thing, we planned on waiting until 6 months. Yesterday we were given a sourdough bread turtle for him. He had to try it. He sucked on a leg like crazy and yelled when we took it away. I know their digestive system is not really ready for foods yet so we just let him lick.

Today he tried 3 more flavors: red pepper, cucumber, and tomato. They are all healthy and different flavors. He loved the tomato. My cowboy loved tomato too. He would eat them like apples. It's amazing to see my wild thing grow and change and see how much he will be my cowboy. There are fun times to come.

Friday, July 26, 2013

Not a Spontaneous Bone in My Body

And this trip is proof why I should stay that way. We're currently on night three of an impromptu road trip. Yesterday my husband lost his ATM card. Last night our reservation was lost...as in non-existent...after we drove three hours to get there. Earlier today the hotel called about said nonexistent reservation and wants another card number so they can charge us. I explained the situation nicely and they call back still confused. Tonight we get to the hotel and they can see our reservation but have no room for us. WTH people!?!?! Now I'm ready to grab the guy by the tie and pull him over the counter if he doesn't find a room for my family.

I think planning, for me, is about protecting my family. My hubs, step-daughter, and my wild thing need watching out for and it's my job to do it. I go into mama bear mode when people screw with my plans for my family. (Sometimes my hubs gets in the way of his own protection.)  I did everything I could to protect my cowboy and it wasn't enough. That's probably why planning is so important to me now.

On a side note, we've had some fun on vacation. My step-daughter keeps reminding me to play the glad game. Love it!

Monday, July 22, 2013

I'm Big on Composure

Last night, my wild thing was fussy. He wouldn't soothe or go to sleep. I knew he was tired, but he wouldn't relax and kept spitting out his paci. He started screaming and I felt myself getting more tense. My husband came up and sweetly offered to take the wild thing and walk with him awhile. You would think I said, "Yes, please and thank you." That's what any normal person would do.

Not me! I have to prove it to myself and hubs and my wild thing that I can handle it...not just that I can handle it, but that I can overcome my own frustration and be calm. I have to do this so well that my wild thing also calms and sleeps. Because babies, like bees, can smell fear. Haha! (I don't know if that's really true about bees...but definitely about babies.)

My own personal zen is forced...it's a learned behavior. What does it get me (besides a sleeping baby), you ask. Well, composure. I remember a time when my cowboy was sick. I'd gotten bad news and was outside the hospital talking to some girlfriends. There was this woman crying hysterically. I don't blame her...we all hurt and cry. At the time, all I could think was, "Your grief is interfering with my composure." My friends laughed when I said this.

The thing is, it's stuck with me. Composure is a huge thing for me. It's part of how I define myself. What I'm thinking now is, "What the heck is wrong with me?" ;)

How Much Should I Share?

I think honesty is important. Honesty about the reality of life is often difficult. In my experiences, I know that honesty about childhood cancer and death can make life awkward and lonely. People don't want to think about the possibility that <b>their</b> child could get sick…that <b>their</b> child could be gone. And I don't blame them. I don't want to be the person it happens to either.

I am trying to be honest about the illness and death of my cowboy. The six months we spent fighting his illness (through brain surgeries, chemotherapy, hospital stays, and physical therapy) will never eclipse the three and a half years leading up to it. The good times will <b>never</b> overshadow the "bad".

I wonder how it would make my children feel to know the things that I share and the intimate moments of our life that I tell the world. I just wonder how my cowboy would feel about me telling everyone about our life...or even how my wild thing will feel (someday) about my feelings. Will he resent me for loving my cowboy so much and wondering if I'd love him?

I recently read an article about this conundrum.

http://tinyurl.com/msqrdm6


While I don't feel I'm in competition with the other blogs out there I want to guard myself and my children against a future full of resentment and hurt feelings because of something I said. Don't we all want that as mothers? Whether we blog or talk to our girlfriends, shouldn't we be mindful of the way we talk about our family?

Friday, July 19, 2013

Sleep Like a Baby

Let me remind you that the phrase "Sleep Like a Baby" is totally misrepresented. Babies, while they may sleep a lot, actually have a significant amount of trouble sleeping. Their poor little nervous systems are just trying to keep up with all of the input they are receiving. Babies actually spend about 50% of their sleep in active sleep, which is REM, where they are easily roused, make noises, and move around. Many babies have a hard time falling and staying asleep. It's not like it was in the good old days...when they were snuggled in your womb, with muffled noises, being rocked to sleep by all of your movements throughout the day.

What made me spout on about this is that my wild thing is 3 months old now and we are constantly barraged with questions about his sleep habits. Here's an example of how the conversation goes.

Them: "Is he a good sleeper?"

Me: "He sleeps."

Them: "Does he sleep through the night?"

Me: "Well, no. He sleeps with us, so I usually feed/check him each time he wakes up. He might sleep for one 3-4 hour stretch each night."

Them: "Oh, that's too bad." (CUE disapproving look regarding the co-sleeping.)

I always feel the need to explain myself and say that he only wakes to fidget or eat. He doesn't stay awake for long periods. Blah! Blah! What I really want to say is, "WTF people...he's three-months-old for goodness sake. He's only little for a very short period of time. He'll sleep through the night when he's ready. My cowboy did not sleep through the night until almost a year. After about 6 months he woke once each night to eat. Why do we need to rush toward milestones (like sleeping through the night)? Why do I need to force my infant to be an independent person?"

I was recently asked to fill out a form for when he begins child care (on a very part-time basis) in September. What is his sleep schedule? Well, he doesn't have one. What is his feeding schedule? Well, he doesn't have one. I know this sounds crazy to some people, but it is how I choose to parent.

As you can probably tell, I'm a little into the attachment parenting thing. I do everything I can to meet my wild thing's needs as they come along. If he's hungry, I feed him. If he's tired, he sleeps. Not everyone agrees with my parenting style. Aside from changing his diaper, I don't think we put my wild thing down for the first few weeks of life. I also believe in letting my baby be a baby for as long as he needs to. Mind you, I'm not saying he should still be wearing diapers when he enters kindergarten. I am saying that he will do things as he's ready to do them. He is becoming more independent as he is ready. He, in his own infant way, asks for the things he needs: food, changing, sleep, alone time, interaction, and chances to explore.

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Paternity Leave

As part of my hubs’ parental leave he is off work for all of July. Yay that we get to spend time together with the wild thing and my step-daughter. AND boo at the same time! While he tries to help around the house (and I love him dearly), there are so many things we do differently.

For instance:

1) The other day, we were doing laundry and needed to do a load of towels. The night before, we had pulled the last of the towels from the cupboard and put them in our bathroom. My husband, in his grand wisdom, collected all of the towels from the bathrooms to wash. I go up to take a shower and no towel. Do I wait until the laundry is done before taking a shower (Even though I’m sweaty from working out!) or do I search for a towel? I found one hand towel in the cupboard. I take a shower and have to dry off with a hand towel. Seriously?!?! It barely wrapped around my thigh. How can this poor towel be expected to do the job of a towel four times it's size? When I mentioned it to hubs he says, “You could have used two hand towels.” Not, “Sorry babe. I should have thought about that.”

2) We’re out by the pool with the wild thing and he’s taking him inside to change him. As he’s walking along, the sun is blaring in the wild thing’s eyes. When I mention it, he says, “Well, if you hadn’t stopped me to tell me the sun wouldn’t have been in his eyes.” All I have to say is, “WTF!?!?” How is that my fault? Sheesh!

3) I get home from being gone all day with my wild thing. I have to go to the bathroom, so I ask hubs to hold him for me. He looks at me, momentarily distracted from his video game, and asks, "For how long?" I walked away. After being being alone with his games all day, I ask for a minute's peace and can't get that.

I'm done complaining, for now. I do get moments like this.

I know I'm a big fat complainer and am lucky to have a hubby who's interested in being home with us to "help". Some women don't have that. Heck, I didn't have that with my cowboy. His dad was deployed for 6 months after he was born. I was forced to be everything and do it independently. When he came home it was difficult for me to adjust and trust him with part of the responsibility. Maybe part of the reason for our marital demise. Who knows! Now I have a partner in parenting who wants to help and is here but...and here's the big BUT...does everything differently from me and requires me to pick up his messes. It's hard to share the load when it feels like doing it myself would be, possibly, faster and easier than explaining it all to him. It's just HARD! I know I'm not alone in this.

Monday, July 15, 2013

Missing One

I LOVE my wild thing. I enjoy my time with him and am blessed to have him in my life. Recently, I have been struggling with the separation between him and my cowboy. For years all I have had is my cowboy. He was with me until he was four-years-old and has been gone for almost 7 years now.

The last week or two, when thinking of my wild thing, I call him the wrong name. I know parents do that all the time and it’s no big deal. I do it with my students in class. We all laugh at my lapse in memory, since I obviously know their names. I obviously know my wild thing's name, as well. Not having my cowboy here with us makes it seem different...less funny and more heart-wrenching. It feels so wrong…like blaspheme! They are not the same little boy. My wild thing will never replace my cowboy. I can’t help, though, thinking, “My cowboy needs to eat.” Or, “My cowboy rolled over today.” I remember my cowboy being with me like it was yesterday. As far as I was concerned, he was the only one for me.

After losing my cowboy, I couldn't imagine having another child in my life who would hold such a significant place in my heart. Needless to say, pregnancy was very hard for me emotionally. As part of our birth preparation, I was asked to envision my perfect birth. It was heartbreaking for me because my perfect birth involved my cowboy. In a perfect world he would be there with us to welcome this new little one into our family.

Now that I my wild thing is here it is bittersweet. It’s something I need to work through because things will not change. The phrase, “This too shall pass” doesn’t apply. My cowboy is gone. My wild thing is here today. My love for them both is immeasurable. While I'm not much of a singer, my wild thing likes when I sing to him. Specifically, there is a song by J. J. Heller called "I Get to Be the One ." I frequently cry as I sing, look at my wild thing, and carry him through the house. Despite what I've lost I do get to be mommy to my wild thing. Every moment I get to be mommy is precious.

Friday, July 12, 2013

DIY Leg Warmers and A Little Love

Yesterday I was at my friend’s house hanging with the wild thing and doing crafty stuff. We ate, watched Brave, and made baby leg warmers from women’s and little boy’s socks. We found a very helpful tutorial on Little Pink Monster. It’s an old tutorial, but it beats spending $12 plus shipping on Babylegs leg warmers. I found some super cute socks at H&M.
I spent about $20 on socks and got 11 pairs of leg warmers. The hardest part was sewing the pieces together. While the mustaches were really cute, the amount of threads inside the sock made them less than ideal. I have never sewn fabric with stretch before and it was a little challenging. Keep in mind that I am NOT a skilled seamstress! You may be more skilled.

Natasha from Little Pink Monster recommends using a zigzag stitch, but when I did this you could see the stitching when my wild thing wore them. It was like it didn't hold the pieces together tightly. A straight stitch seemed to work better for me.

The other problem I had was that they two pieces we were sewing together were a little bit different in size. This meant we had to stretch the sock a little bit to keep the fabric from bunching. And were only mildly successful.


They look so cute on my wild thing’s chubby little legs. (Side Note: I love my Petunia Cake bag! I found it on sale at a little boutique. Love a good deal!)

The best part of the day, though, was hearing my cowboy’s voice. My friend found an old voicemail from my cowboy and I. She played it for me and hearing his little voice was the best feeling. It made me think of the baby lisp that he used to have. He said, “Hi…It’s me, cowboy…Talk to you later.” Oh, how I wish that were true.

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

The Low Down on Nursing Bras ( o )( o )

During my pregnancy I went shopping for bras. The women told me that I should go ahead and buy nursing bras because my boobs shouldn't get much bigger than they currently were. All I can say to that is, "HA!"..."Lies! All lies." Following delivery, none of my bras fit and still don't. I was generally free-boobin' until I was ready to leave the house several weeks in. At that point I decided that I wanted "the girls" where they are supposed to be...up...as opposed to down. This is a difficult task when you have, let's go with, large boobies and are nursing. Options are limited!

Let me tell you about a few I bought and how I feel about them. Disclaimer: These photos are not of me! I know we're all disappointed. ;)

Motherhood Full Coverage Underwire Nursing Bra (Note: I have heard that underwire bras while nursing can negatively impact milk production.)
Pros: I wore this bra throughout my pregnancy. It was pretty comfortable and
work appropriate. The fabric and construction are good quality. It is the only comfortable
underwire nursing bra I have found.

Cons: The underwire does make it difficult to actually nurse, since I feel it
gets in the way of accessing the whole boob. Because of the post-baby growth, I
never got to use it for nursing.

Motherhood Wireless Nursing Bra
Pros: This bra comes in a nude and pink stripe fabric. While neither are super sexy,
the pink is kind of cute. It's the one I bought. It is lined in the cups so that you can't
see your nipples. Much better than an unlined bra, as far as I'm concerned.

Cons: This one is not very comfortable. It has plastic stays along the band that
collapse and dig in on my sides. I cut them out to prevent this from being a problem. This
improved the bra. Also, being wireless, it does not provide enough support. My boobs had a
sort of smashed look. I'm big on bras providing support and feel that it looks bad seeing
boobies flopping around when people don't have good bras. Since I know that I feel this way,
I can't walk around looking all floppy.

Loving Moments by Leading Lady Maternity Wirefree Softcup Nursing Bra with Full Sling, 2-Pack from Walmart
Pros: This pack comes with a plain white bra and a white with pink polka-dots. Two
bras for around $13 is great. These work great for sleep or around-the-house bras. One thing
that I really like about these bras is that it has what they call a full sling. Instead of
just having a connection along the outside of the boob, this bra has a band that goes around
the top. It's very comfy for nursing and holds the boob in place. I also wash and dry this
bra without problems.

Cons: The cups are not lined, so you can see my nipples or nursing pads through my
shirts. The band under the boobs digs in if you wear it for a long period of time. While it
holds my boobs in place, it doesn't provide support for going out.

A Pea In The Pod Wireless Nursing Bra
Pros: This bra has good quality fabric and construction. I haven't had it long but
it appears to be holding up well. Again, the cups are lined preventing my nips from showing
through my clothes. The straps are a little wider and padded for comfort.

Cons: I don't know if I have a bad fit, though I was fitted when the bra was purchased.
The problem with this bra is that it collapses under my boobs. It fits the model nicely,
sitting flat between and under the boobs. It doesn't do this on me. I do wear my bras several
times before washing, so this may be a contributing factor. I usually hand wash this bra and
hang dry. I don't really like bras hanging all over my house (and I don't think hubs does either).
This bra is more pricey at around $50.

A Pea In The Pod Seamless Nursing Bra (Note: There is, apparently, a similar bra in the Motherhood line that is about half the price, but I haven't tried it. A Pea In The Pod seems to be made of better, more resilient fabrics.)
Pros: I really like this bra. It's the best that I've purchased. It's a cross between
a sports bra and normal bra. It has normal bra straps and a lower neckline which makes it
wearable with tank tops. The way the "cups" are sewn make shows that I have 2 boobs, unlike
most sports bras.

Cons: It's not very attractive. When the salesperson brought it to me, I was doubtful.
It stretches out some if you wear it too many times. I don't know what too many is. Let's just
say I wear my bras more than once between washings. This bra is more pricey at around $50.

My least favorite is an underwire nursing bra. I purchased it at Walmart. It is another Loving Moments nursing bra. I don't have anything good to say about it. It is super uncomfortable and my boobs don't fit all the way into the cup (because of the full sling design). Ugh! Looking at the website right now, it doesn't look like they sell it anymore. If they do, don't buy it!

The seamless Pea in the Pod bra is by far my favorite. I would recommend spending a little extra to get a good bra. I did and I now have two that are comfortable and able to be worn when I'll be seen by people. Well, people besides my wild thing and hubs. Hope this helps anyone looking for a nursing bra. There isn't a lot of information out there and the reviews are often misleading. Make sure to try bras on before buying. Online purchases didn't work out very well for me. I'd be happy to answer any additional questions. :)

Monday, July 8, 2013

Nursing Tops

People have told me that they are shirt-up or shirt-down nursers. I do both, but prefer shirt-down because I'm a babywearer. Pulling up my shirt is a pain while wearing a baby and it's hot. (I always wear a cami under my shirt if I'm lifting it up so I don't flash my floppy belly to the world.) Funny that I don't mind my boobs being out, but the belly is off-limits. Haha!

Since I'm opposed to spending $40+ on shirts I will only wear for a year (at most) I went to Destination Maternity for their nursing event. Buy 3 get 1 free! The downside is that they have a very limited selection...the big upside is that all tops I got are in the $20-30 range.

Motherhood Sleeveless Pull Over Snap Placket Nursing Top (On website as: Motherhood Sleeveless Pull Over Double Opening Tab Cuff Nursing Top...No, I don't know why. They obviously need help quality checking their site. I'd be happy to freelance for them.)
Pros: This top is comfy and the snaps make nursing access easy. It can be washed and dried. Also,
my hubs compliments me on it almost every time I wear it.

Cons: It's baggier in the belly than on the model. (I guess this is a pro if you want to camouflage.)
If you're modest and don't have a cover, you will be exposed. If I'm out, some kind of cover is a must!

Motherhood Sleeveless Pull Down Double Opening Braided Strap Nursing Top
Pros: This one actually has the double opening for nursing. It's more coverage than any of the other
nursing tops I've purchased. It comes in cute, bright colors (I have a blueish and coral.) The shoulder
detail is cute, as well.

Cons: I feel like it's a little big on top and a smaller size would have made it tight in my tummy.
It gets more stretched out when I nurse and babywear. The fabric is thin enough (though I wouldn't call it
a bad fabric) that you can see the inner panel right across the middle of my belly. Also, I don't think it's
supposed to be dried. I wash it in cold and hang dry.

Motherhood Sleeveless Pull Over Double Opening Stretch Fabric Nursing Top(Note: This is not double opening, but a pull down top.)
Pros: My personal favorite. This top fits well and the double elastic along the neckline adds detail.
It's comfortable and I feel cute in it. To nurse, it's a simple pull down design. The fabric is a soft
cotton that is easily washed and dried. I have been wearing this shirt for a few months now and was worried
about stretch in the neckline from pulling it down. I haven't had any problems with that so far.

Cons: If you are modest, this shirt offers no coverage while nursing. You need a cover if you
don't want "the girls" hanging out.

I have one other top that came from Target. It is a hand-me-down, so I couldn't find information on it for you. Instead of a double opening, this shirt has a panel across the boobs that has elastic (like an empire waistline). I'm not sure what that is called. The benefit of this top is that it provides a lot of coverage while nursing. The panel that lifts up covers the top portion of your boob, which most tops I've found don't do.

If you have extra in the budget and want some cute tops, check out peek-a-boo maternity & nursing wear. The tops that I've found there are super cute. This is an example: Angel Sleeve Top.

Hope this helps those who are monumentally confused by the world of nursingwear!

Saturday, July 6, 2013

The Joys of Nursing

Now, having baby number 2, I have been on both sides of the nursing debate. One was formula-fed and the other exclusively breastfed. What you choose is up to you. It's a very personal decision.

I didn't nurse my cowboy. He was a formula boy. I was happy with my decision at the time. He grew and thrived.

I currently nurse my little wild thing. I said I would try it because my husband felt strongly about it and the research says it's best. For me, it gave me the ickies. I'm generally very modest and have a history of abuse. Let me say this, now that I've done it...I love it. What I don't love is the small selection of good nursing attire.

Good bras, tanks, and shirts are hard to come by. Let me define good: functional, comfortable, non-frumpy, and affordable. Affordable has been a big one for me. At most, I plan on nursing for a year. Spending hundreds of dollars on a nursing wardrobe is not in the budget. If it's cute, it's probably out of my price-range.

Before I began nursing, I anticipated that I would look something like these women shortly after I had my wild thing.


I was so wrong. With the bras and clothing choices I had, I ended up looking floppy-breasted, porn star-esque, or muffin-boobed...not to mention that my tummy is big and floppy. Can we say SUPER sexy? A few weeks after my wild thing was born I decided enough was enough. If I was going to leave the house, I wanted to look presentable. I had looked online endlessly, deciding if $40-80 was acceptable for a shirt. Then I drug hubs and my wild thing along for a "short" shopping trip.

Join me for two posts that give the pros and cons of the nursing attire I have acquired.

Friday, July 5, 2013

Bloglovin'

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Monday, July 1, 2013

Fauxby Wrap

I love my Moby. It's a little warm, as is wearing baby using any carrier/wrap/sling. I have been raving about the joys of babywearing to a friend of mine for weeks. The best part is that I get to keep my wild thing close AND use both of my arms. I'm going to be honest...after the first few weeks of sitting on the couch staring lovingly at my wild thing while holding him, I needed to get up and do stuff. Happy baby and happy mommy. Awesome possum!

The other day we decided to make our own. We watched a few how to videos. None of them were very specific on the fabric to use. Jersey knit was all we got. At Jo-Ann we ended up selecting a poly-cotton blend. Not the most natural fabric but it had nice stretch and was thinner than my current Moby.

My Moby is a little short and I can't tie it in the front like all of the tutorials. (READ: I feel like a fatty.) It's also very uncomfortable to tie in the back, especially if you're riding in the car. Someone suggested that bigger or taller girls should get 5 1/2 or 6 yards. We got 6 and it feels like miles and miles of fabric. I'm 5' 9" and my friend is a little bigger. For anyone buying fabric I recommend buying more and cutting it down to your size. That way you don't end up tying it in the back by default and, like me, feeling like a super fatty.

I thought about making a pocket at one end to hold some miscellaneous items. We'll see if I get ambitious. The cool thing is that there's no sewing involved in making the basic wrap. I got an iron-on patch to mark the center, which makes it way easier to wrap up.

The Money: That's what we all want to know, right? A standard Moby is $47-ish. It was about $50 for the fabric and patches. We made 2 wraps, although you could probably get 3. My friend and I split the cost. So, the wrap was about $25. A little tip...use a coupon. The fabric was $9.99/yard, but we had a 40% off coupon for Jo-Ann.

Save the drama for the llamas.

There has been so much drama lately, I'm not sure what's going on. Is it the super moon? Is it the horrendous southern California heat? I came home the other day and told the hubs, "You may drive me crazy, but at least our lives are mostly drama free."

There has been pregnancy, death, death, heart conditions, fights, marital separation, death, pregnancy, and bipolar episodes (without the diagnosis). All of this in the span of a week or two. ALL of this within my small circle or family and friends.

Don't get me wrong; I hurt for all they are going through. I've been through all of this myself. BUT do you ever wonder why there are people for whom drama is a constant part of their lives? Is it their choices, personality, etc.? I don't have the answer. I just know I'm thought to be a HUGE B for trying to avoid it in my life. I'm unsupportive and judgmental. (I won't lie. I'm judging. Everyone does.)

A few years ago, my life was in a season of struggle and "small" amount of drama. There was marital separation, girlfriends, divorce, custody battles, cancer, and death. I'm blessed that the current season of my life is much calmer. I spend time with hubs and my little wild thing in our calm (if a little dirty) house. I'm not so stupid to think I will be this way forever. I'm just glad it is now.

For a laugh (and distraction from the drama all around) I read a little commentary on Fundies. Hilarious! I disagree on one count. Sex in the hot tub is still fun. Not to mention that you can do crazy positions in there that gravity just won't allow at your current ____. Fill in the blank with whatever applies to you: weight, flexibility, strength, age. Don't think that I am some crazy sex kitten. I have a newborn... enough said!

Sunday, June 23, 2013

Unexpected

Have you ever done something expecting a certain outcome, only to have it completely change who you are? Mommyhood is that way for me. Before having my wild thing I expected, whole-heartedly, that I would return to work. The longer I'm home with him, the less I want to return to work. For those of you thinking, "Yeah, right. She was kidding herself." I actually did plan to return to my teaching job. And I'm all about plans. They're how I function on a daily basis.

The first thing that made me think I could go straight back to work is that I returned to work at 6 weeks with my cowboy. I left him with family and friends to go to the gym and for evenings out. It was no big deal! I was 21 and rockin' life as a "single" mommy. As I recall, I left my little cowboy with an aunt at two weeks old to go out drinking.

What!?! Looking back now, I feel like I was a crazy person and feel a not insignificant amount of mommy guilt. Several things have changed since then. First, and foremost, me. Life has changed me. Loss has changed me. My cowboy meant the world to me. We were BFFs and, if you ask him, were getting married someday. Since losing my cowboy I have thought about every moment that I wasn't super mom and regret that I wasn't better.

The second thing that made me think I would return to work is that I am a driven woman. I'm not your typical stay at home mommy type. I don't like to cook, clean, and craft 24/7. (Not that I think all SAHMs are like that. Nor do I judge those that are. Lol.) And on top of being driven, I keep a tight rein on my emotions. I expected to love my wild thing, but from a safe distance. Even though I don't even really know what that means. Throughout my pregnancy I kept an emotional distance and was worried I wouldn't be able to love him.


Nothing could have prepared me for the truth. Hours after my wild thing's birth I felt a love for him that was so strong. It hurt me physically. I sat, stared at him, and cried. I never believed, after loving my cowboy so much and losing him, that I had it in me to love bigger. I was wrong! Let me repeat...wrong. My former un-emotional self has been missing since then.

But back to the point...
I sit and stare at my teaching contract with that large-ish number while holding my wild thing. I'm torn apart inside. Leave him everyday for 8 hours? It seems like mission impossible, not to mention every fiber of my being tells me not to do it. Finding acceptable childcare is a struggle, which we have not conquered. I haven't left him at all and have pretty significant anxiety about doing so at this point. (Yes, I realize it's a little extreme.) Dealing with losing my cowboy has left me struggling to mother my wild thing without becoming a total crazy mama.

My question is...what the heck am I supposed to do? What is the right thing for me? My wild thing? My family? My heart pulls one way and my practical side pulls the other. Decisions need to be made. Fingers crossed.

Saturday, June 22, 2013

Adventures in Canning

Let me start by saying that I am not now, nor have I ever been, a farmer. Neither am I Susie Homemaker. I buy food at the grocery store and frequent restaurants. My repertoire of recipes is limited. Canning is a new adventure for me. Several years ago when my father and I planted a small garden. My grandmother suggested canning to us. We laughed! Each year we had an overabundance of veggies because of the fertile soil (READ: horse poop). While we have the best of intentions when it comes to eating the crops, they continue to rot on the vine. Today, we finally tried our hand at canning tomatoes. Here is part of this year's crop.
While many would say it's relatively simple, there's a lot involved. Some of the items we learned to use quite laughably. I tried to use the jar thongs upside-down. Oops! And I had to squeeze lemons for the juice, since we forgot it at the store.
While most of our skill was developed by trial and error, in addition to a heavy reliance on the Ball recipe book. We also had a little help from another blog that I found, called The Yummy Life. This blogger is much more skilled than I am. Holy cow! It took both of us to successfully include everything in each jar and make sure we followed the steps. The last thing we wanted was to fail miserably.

Shortly after we began (Okay...it was actually an hour. That's really good for him.), my wild thing needed attention. He was no longer satisfied to hang out in his bouncer and watch as us fumble through blanching and peeling tomatoes. He wanted to be in on the action. I wrapped him up in my Moby and wore him. He promptly fell asleep for the next 2 1/2 hours. :) For those of you who don't know...babywearing is awesome! I can satisfy my wild thing AND have the use of both my arms. (But I'll go into that another time.)

Jar, lemon juice, garlic clove, jalapeno slices, tomatoes, juice, remove air, measure space, sea salt, lid...repeat. Turns out we had way more tomatoes than we anticipated and ended up needing to do two batches. With a 40 minute processing time in the water bath, we took a lunch break and barely got motivated to finish our project. My dad is the kind of guy who likes jobs to be quick and painless. I think this was more than he bargained for.
Four hours and 17 jars later...

The jars came out of the water bath and we were so excited each time we heard the pop of a lid. Pop. pop, pop! They were sealing. Yay us! We proudly announced to my wild thing that we were skilled canners prepared to take on apples and banana peppers and jalapenos. Oh my!
Wish me luck! ;)

Friday, June 21, 2013

Good Morning to Me

Making my oatmeal and toast this morning (like nearly every day lately) and hear my wild thing "talking" in the bedroom with his daddy. Makes me happy. How will I ever leave him to go to work? Sweet moments like this make it hard to imagine being away from him.

Monday, June 17, 2013

Who we are...

My cowboy has been gone from my arms for 7 years. He was four-years-old. He had a kind heart and joyful spirit. I continue to mourn the life that he didn't have. My wild thing lays in my arms sleeping. He's two months old. He's the sweetest boy. I can't wait to see what life has in store for him. My two boys have my heart. Every day is filled with joy and fear. Joy for the love that I have for them. Fear of losing my wild thing.