Unexpected

Have you ever done something expecting a certain outcome, only to have it completely change who you are? Mommyhood is that way for me. Before having my wild thing I expected, whole-heartedly, that I would return to work. The longer I'm home with him, the less I want to return to work. For those of you thinking, "Yeah, right. She was kidding herself." I actually did plan to return to my teaching job. And I'm all about plans. They're how I function on a daily basis.

The first thing that made me think I could go straight back to work is that I returned to work at 6 weeks with my cowboy. I left him with family and friends to go to the gym and for evenings out. It was no big deal! I was 21 and rockin' life as a "single" mommy. As I recall, I left my little cowboy with an aunt at two weeks old to go out drinking.

What!?! Looking back now, I feel like I was a crazy person and feel a not insignificant amount of mommy guilt. Several things have changed since then. First, and foremost, me. Life has changed me. Loss has changed me. My cowboy meant the world to me. We were BFFs and, if you ask him, were getting married someday. Since losing my cowboy I have thought about every moment that I wasn't super mom and regret that I wasn't better.

The second thing that made me think I would return to work is that I am a driven woman. I'm not your typical stay at home mommy type. I don't like to cook, clean, and craft 24/7. (Not that I think all SAHMs are like that. Nor do I judge those that are. Lol.) And on top of being driven, I keep a tight rein on my emotions. I expected to love my wild thing, but from a safe distance. Even though I don't even really know what that means. Throughout my pregnancy I kept an emotional distance and was worried I wouldn't be able to love him.


Nothing could have prepared me for the truth. Hours after my wild thing's birth I felt a love for him that was so strong. It hurt me physically. I sat, stared at him, and cried. I never believed, after loving my cowboy so much and losing him, that I had it in me to love bigger. I was wrong! Let me repeat...wrong. My former un-emotional self has been missing since then.

But back to the point...
I sit and stare at my teaching contract with that large-ish number while holding my wild thing. I'm torn apart inside. Leave him everyday for 8 hours? It seems like mission impossible, not to mention every fiber of my being tells me not to do it. Finding acceptable childcare is a struggle, which we have not conquered. I haven't left him at all and have pretty significant anxiety about doing so at this point. (Yes, I realize it's a little extreme.) Dealing with losing my cowboy has left me struggling to mother my wild thing without becoming a total crazy mama.

My question is...what the heck am I supposed to do? What is the right thing for me? My wild thing? My family? My heart pulls one way and my practical side pulls the other. Decisions need to be made. Fingers crossed.