Fevers and sickness make a needy baby. Work and school and remodeling and prepping for a first birthday party make a tired, indecisive mommy. When I feel this way, I walk in circles wearing or holding my needy baby and getting nothing done. Ugh! I hate this version of me, who gets so weak and useless. I don't always know why it happens. I can just tell that I'm not myself. It's exhausting to try figuring it out amidst my busy life. It's even worse when other people, who know me, are around because I'm the one who normally has it together. I don't know how I became the organized and in control woman. I do feel her slipping away since I've become a mommy again. So many emotions were locked up tight and controlling my life was how I functioned. That is not how things have worked for the last year. I've given up all control of my emotions and my schedule in order to meet the needs of my wild thing. It works for us and he is happy. It doesn't always work for the woman I knew myself to be.
In my befuddled, needy baby state my family came alongside me to help finish projects and get the party ready. It was beautiful (the party and the effort). This is what my family used to be like. We have been broken for a long time. Losing my cowboy didn't just break me, but my whole family. People changed and relationships were damaged. We still loved, but grieved and healed alone.
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