I'm a garbage disposal lately. You want to nurse and don't want food. Since you've been sick it's nurse, nurse, nurse. I keep offering you food, but you only take a few bites then refuse. My body is struggling to keep up with the demands. Food and sleep is what I want. Lots of sleep.
I'm incoherent and unresponsive lately. Daddy asks if I'm doing alright; if I'm depressed. "Just tired," I say and stare at the tv, computer, or you playing. I'm more than tired though. I'm exhausted to the core. You, my wild thing, require so much of me. I'm being pulled in different directions. School, work (insignificant as it is), future plans, you, daddy, and everyone else. It's all good. It just gets so big in my head.
This time. These struggles. It will pass. I'd rather be mommy, than not have you with me. Not having you would be worse. I know this because, when I lost my cowboy, I've had emptiness. I was lost. I was without purpose. Having you is better. Having both of you, my sons, would be sweet, fulfilled exhaustion. Not harder or easier; just more right.
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