Anxiety- Inducing Massage

I haven't gotten a massage in about six months. (I'm not whining. It was my choice, but I need them to keep the tension headaches at bay.) My wild thing is almost five months old and I was out on bedrest at 34 weeks. So, it's been a while.

For months hubs has been telling me to make an appointment and he will watch my wild thing. In theory that sounds totally reasonable; in practice, not so much. All of these terrible feelings coursed through my body when we talked about it, but I finally made an appointment and worked out a system with hubs. He and wild thing would come to the massage place and wait while I got my massage. Side note: I call it a massage parlor but hubs says that sounds too much like one of those places where the "happy ending" service is offered.

Anyway, in my mind I thought that this way he could get me if I was needed and it got rid of the anxiety about walking out the door and leaving him. No, I'm not dumb enough to think that he would actually come and interrupt my massage for me to deal with the crying baby. It eased my mind though.

The day before and morning of, I was a little freaked out. I also sat looking at wild thing a little more longingly than normal...remembering each detail of him. I know this sounds a little over the top. Just remember that this is the first time I've left him and if I'm not there I can't protect him. I don't know what I'm always protecting him from, but the world is filled with dangers.

Having my wild thing after losing my cowboy is sometimes terrifying. At times, things are so scary...poised to take him from me at any moment. Other times, I'm just a normal mommy changing poopy and keeping the milk flowing. I'm not sure how to balance my fear yet. Things (bigger things than an hour massage) are coming to us soon. I will have to let him go. I will have to leave him somehwere I am not.

Until then, an hour massage is just the right amount of risk. Lol. They asked me if I would to schedule an hour and a half or two hour massage since I had so many saved up. I laughed at them. ;) You wouldn't want to leave this little guy either, I think!