It's been weeks since we saw our little bean and heard his beating heart. Aside from a little morning sickness, exhaustion, aversion to my prenatals, and the flu everything has been relatively normal.
I, however, haven't felt normal or excited or happy. Not like I did in those first weeks of pregnancy before it all got stressful and complicated. I had mourned the loss of my little bean and had a hard time recovering. I just didn't feel right.
It feels awful to call that feeling intuition. No one wants to believe the bad feelings (unease, if you will) they've been having will prove to be correct. I don't want to believe it.
However, my little bean is gone and my body has betrayed me. After much bleeding and contraction-like pains, we went to the emergency room.
They told us that baby was gone.
They told us my uterus was empty.
I still don't understand it.
Knowing the "miscarriage" is a common occurrence doesn't make it less of a shock.
At the hospital and for several days after, I was OK. I expected this...blah, blah. Now I'm not as OK. Now I'm longing to see another picture of my little bean and hear that beautiful heartbeat. The picture hanging on the fridge is the only one we will ever have.
So, "Goodbye my little bean. We love you."
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