I waited for the doctor to call most of the morning. As time passed I went from concerned to downright stressed.
When I got the call, the news wasn't good. My hormone levels had been rising normally for the past few weeks, despite my pain and bleeding. Today, that wasn't the case.
After I got vague answers from the doctor, I had to call my husband at work. I relayed the message and then we were quiet. What do you say to each other when your heart is breaking over the loss of your little one (whom you've never met)? There aren't words to bridge that gap.
A while later, I reached out to a friend. Her response? "Damnit! I hate this for you." Her anger on my behalf, as well as the fact that her words conveyed solidarity instead of pity helped my heart a little.
A heart that's hurting needs that. Feeling alone in this is hard. While there are many people I could reach out to, they all have feelings about the little bean. They too are emotionally invested. Seeking healing for my heart will hurt theirs. I'm not ready to do that until I have confirmed answers.
Is my little bean alive and well? Will we lose him? Today we don't know. We wait.
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